Reflection

So there we were, milling around the kitchen, recounting the events of the evening. I was telling everyone how I disagreed with the results of a particular vote for many reasons, but mainly because she was so open of her dislike for the house. With that, the words of my peers hit me harder then I expected- I had been the same way. I was calling the kettle black. Apparently my memory of this time has been tampered and I no longer remember these feelings during this time. But they were probably right. That's probably why Jaclyn said the things she did. Nevertheless I felt like it was different with me. If I was given something, I could help change the things I didn't like. I didn't know then that things would never change and you just did what you could to get by and keep the status quo in check. How truly naive and blind.

That harsh tone of scolding, and the bitter truth behind the words still make me squirm. No one ever wants to believe the bad in them. They want to see themselves as good people and doing no wrong. I know that is an inaccurate concept of myself, but I can't pretend it still didn't hurt to hear it being said out loud.

We dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves, and I think that's why I frowned upon her getting chosen. If I would have stepped back from my bubble, I probably would have laughed at myself for wanting to be a part of it more. But at the time it seemed like the next step. It makes me feel guilty that two years ago people might have been having the same conversation about me and how someone else who really wanted it have had love instead of dislike in their heart should have won. And they were probably right. I half assed everything and didn't and don't feel remorse for that. I do, however, for disliking someone else for something I dislike in myself.

"This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again"
Regina Spektor, "On the Radio"

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...

Veronica A. Shoffstall