My life is so different...

I would like to start off with remembering Ruth Tilsner. Ruth is my cousin Sam's grandma, but because of the structure of my family, she was also my grandma, too. Thursday, she passed away. She had been in the hospital for 2 months, and was making little improvements. However, I was completely caught off guard by the phone call I received on Thursday. This was the first person who was really close with me that has passed away. When I was maybe 13, my great uncle died, but I didn't really have an opportunity to know him, so while that was hard, this affects my life so much more. Every year we spend the second night of most holidays at Ruth's house. She was a fabulous cook, and I would always look forward to whatever she would make. Especially her matzo ball soup. G-d, this isn't fair. I hate change. I hate people getting old. And I hate death. I just sit here and just feel so empty. The thought that she isn't sitting in her home in St. Paul, and the thought that I will never see her again, and the thought that she just isn't here anymore... makes me ill. What is one to do in this situation? How can I console my family? Due to this, though, me and Sam have been talking more. We're watching out for each other and trying to get through this together. It's just a hard situation that has no guidelines for getting through it. But I'll never forget...

My life has been so fast paced these past few weeks that I can hardly believe it's the end of February. (However March brings Luke from Little Rock, AR on my wonderful calendar!) With IU sing and sorority activities, I found myself not having any time for myself. My motivation for school slipped. My motivation for anything slipped. I didn't enjoy sorority stuff. Spending 4 hours a day with the same people eventually drove me nuts. I became crabby. I became moody. I hated it. Why did I stick it out? I felt trapped. I didn't want to quit. I didn't want to say what-if. I didn't want to leave the friends I had made. And now... now that it's over... I'm more calm. Part of me feel resentment for girls in other houses because they didn't have to spend or do nearly as much as me and they still got initiated after the same amount of time. Another part of me realizes that these are the people that I will be living with for the next 3 years, and I can tell you all of their names and I can tell you everyone in the house. Was it all worth it? I'll let you know when I move in next year. I think that living with these people and changing who I'm around will finally show me if I'm happy.

Another aspect of my life that has changed is my friends. And my idea of relationships. Recently I have been shown how much someone will change when they are in a relationship, and maybe they're not changing... maybe that's their true self that I never saw. All I know is I don't like change. But when I feel so uncomfortable around my "friend" and her boyfriend... we'll I think that's a sign. A sign either saying that she is really inconsiderate, or a sign that our friendship was just to get us through a time in our lives and now we've moved on. Either way, the Country Club has gotten more exclusive and it's gotten almost unbearable. However, it has brought us non-members closer. And for that, I am grateful. When a door closes, a window opens...

I took my K201 practice on Saturday, and I'm nervous to see my scores posted. After that, I went off to Indy for Sammy's formal. That was so much fun. I love getting dressed up and putting on makeup and all around feeling girly. I love hanging out with the Sammy's boys. It's fun for me to be able to walk around and know so many people. It was definitely a fun night... except for being excluded from the Country Club. Whatever. Pictures of the night are on my picture website which you can find on my profile.

Life with boys is good. I'm happy and I've found someone I really enjoy spending time with. Where it will lead I'm not sure... and that's ok.

And now... my room needs to be cleaned really bad. Au revior.

Today was cloudy... it explains so much...

My first real blog in a long time. I don't know what the fuck is going on or what I'm doing. I feel like I'm in a daze and nothing is clear or really makes sense. I have little to no motivation to do my homework. I don't want to get out of bed to go to classes. While I've met some amazing girls in SDT, and they made me feel so missed this past weekend while I was home, I find myself getting in a bad mood while I'm there. That's not a good sign is it? I know I'm just stressed, and it was cloudy today. But it's just not very reassuring. And not only am I affected by the weather, I'm already really affected by other people. Their moods rub off on me very easily. For example, Steph was having a stressful night tonight and there was nothing I could do to help her. She even leaned on someone else for support. I hate feeling helpless. I hate not being the one to help. And I hate when my friends are unhappy. So there's that. And then to top it off I feel like I'm pissing people off around me. I know that when you're having a shitty day everything else seems to go wrong on those days too.. but in the moment, oy... life just is sucking it up.

Well, since I'm one of those moods, I'm going to be quite honest in this blog. I miss my SLP homies a lot. These are the days when I really wish I could lean on Alison, but she has enough on her plate, and she's as busy or more then me. And I miss how things used to be. I haven't talked to Mac in forever and a day. What happened with that? I almost am to the point where I feel like she wouldn't care what was going on with my life. It's frustrating how things change like that. Carly and I have parted ways more then ever since we've been at school. I guess people really do adapt to their surroundings. Now that we're in different sororities, we seem to be almost competing over nothing. We never go out together anymore. We actually kinda caught up tonight, which was nice.

It's February... Jerod from LA, Paul from NY and Kenny from Detroit will be watching over me this month. Wow is time going quickly.

A piece of advice: Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

Alas, I think I should kiss today goodbye and hope tomorrow brings sunny skies and a better ending.

Welcome to paradise