Late night thoughts

Here's the deal: It still hurts and it still effects me. Every single day of my life. When I watch a movie, or listen to a song, or talk to my friends or watch people live their lives- I'm scarred. As much as I tell myself I have moved on, as much as I want to tell myself that it was in the past, it still haunts me and keeps me from living life the way I wish I could. I curse myself everyday for being so naive as to let something affect life as I have let this. In my "La La Land", I have had numerous conversations of closing the door, once and for all. And when real life yells "action" I freeze and forget all my lines. And I fear that I will never fully get over it. I just want to move on. I want to trust. I want to believe. I don't want to be jealous of someone else who has the ability to feel the things I wont let myself feel anymore. I don't want to be a cynic. And I'm so irritated that this has gone on as long as it has.