I've never considered myself especially religious. I have also had a belief in a higher being but that is sort of where it ended.

Over the past 3 months I've found myself praying to whoever is listened for help, strength, healing- both mentally and physically and most importantly the well being of my family.

I feel totally and utterly helpless. My mother in law is dying and there isn't anything anyone can do to help her.

The last 3 months have been such a roller coaster of emotion. We've all tried to remain hopefully that each treatment would be the one that would cure her. We've stayed optimistic when each one failed. When United ran out of options, we were sure that Mayo would be the answer. Now we've reached the potential end. The real end. The place where there are no more treatments. There are no more options. Her kidneys are failing and subsequently the fluid is building up in her body. When I saw her this past Friday, her belly was so big and yet she was so frail. I massaged her back an arms and it was just skin and bone.

Today she complained about not being able to breath so they were going to drain the fluid in her lungs. When they got in, there wasn't any fluid there. There fear is the cancer has spread to her lungs.

This broke Benjie and seeing him like that broke me. It's hard enough when someone who has lived a long life has passed. But how the hell do you console someone who is losing their mother at 32 years old?

I'm mad. How can there be a God who allows this much suffering? Why is this happening? I've prayed more then I ever have an no one listened. I'm really fucking mad. There is nothing I can do to maker her better. There is nothing I can do to ease the sadness of my father in law. There is nothing I can do or say to help 3 boys watch their mother die.

I'm so afraid of what this will do to my husband of only 3 months. Will I lose the man I met?

I'm afraid to be selfish and want to go on my honeymoon. I'm afraid to want some me time when I know I need to be strong

I just want things to be ok. I want her to be ok. I want my family back.

This sucks.