Perfecting myself too much

I'm afraid something is wrong with me. I've made it half way into a pregnancy with twins. I found out yesterday they're two extremely healthy girls. And it still doesn't feel real. Almost like it's happening to someone else. 

I know my body is changing and clearly have felt so sick but sometimes I don't remember that's happening to me. I saw myself on a video conference earlier this week and was shocked by my appearance and my belly. 

Even when the nurse was performing the ultrasound and I felt the pressure of the wand on my stomach- I can't help but disassociate. 

It started after the first failed appempt with IVF and that long drawn out "no". I have been trying to protect myself. I keep thinking something bad will happen. Before very appointment I convince myself that I'm going to get bad news. While I'm relieved every time I don't, I also almost don't belive it. 

Now here I am, halfway through. We spent last night talking about names. And I still don't feel connected.

I've always wanted twins. I want to be a mom. I just don't want my world crashing down on me. And I'm so afraid if I embrace that my world will come crashing down and I won't recover. 

I'm drawing attention for my lack of excitement. I don't know how to get out of this hole.