Wednesday, November 09, 2016

8 months!

People are right, the time goes so freaking fast! Just a quick trip down memory lane:

Maggie Sue

  • She is so much bigger and more fun than anything I could have imagined for the tiny alien like 3.5lb baby. She is calm, happy, and adventurous. She loves to roll and will make it across the room before you even realize. I think she'll decide she wants to crawl pretty soon. 
  • She still has bright blue eyes and blond/ red hair. She's beautiful. 
  • She got her first fever this past Monday (November 7) and it was so painful to see my usually happy baby crying and uncomfortable. I know it's just the beginning and we've been very fortunate to have lasted this long without getting sick. 
  • She's pretty into trying new foods. I'll be honest that I hate the mess solids make and get overwhelmed so I'm not diligent at giving it to her daily. But I keep trying. 
Elly Pearl
  • She is still the diva that I "met" in my belly. She is loud and sassy. 
  • She has beautiful brown/ green eyes and golden brown hair. 
  • She is a flirt and can be so silly and smiley. 
  • She hates solids. Shivers/ cringes at anything. Trying not to worry but also prepared to take extra measures like OT if needed for her to thrive. 
  • She can sit for a decent amount on her own and is getting great with balance. She's also less likely to scare herself if she falls down. She's not so interested in being on her stomach and thus crawling isn't her thing right now. 
I just feel so fortunate to have 2 amazing kids. So many people comment how sweet and calm they are. I hope to take a little credit for that. I try to not be anxious and crazy and remain calm when they fuss. 

Parenting is hard, though. It's tough figuring out these little people and it's even harder doing it 24/7. That said, I love being home with them exponentially more than I ever thought I would. This has been the most incredible time. 
W
Now,  we work on going back to sleeping through the night. 
And getting ready for our first road trip to Chicago. 😧

Friday, November 06, 2015

Perfecting myself too much

I'm afraid something is wrong with me. I've made it half way into a pregnancy with twins. I found out yesterday they're two extremely healthy girls. And it still doesn't feel real. Almost like it's happening to someone else. 

I know my body is changing and clearly have felt so sick but sometimes I don't remember that's happening to me. I saw myself on a video conference earlier this week and was shocked by my appearance and my belly. 

Even when the nurse was performing the ultrasound and I felt the pressure of the wand on my stomach- I can't help but disassociate. 

It started after the first failed appempt with IVF and that long drawn out "no". I have been trying to protect myself. I keep thinking something bad will happen. Before very appointment I convince myself that I'm going to get bad news. While I'm relieved every time I don't, I also almost don't belive it. 

Now here I am, halfway through. We spent last night talking about names. And I still don't feel connected.

I've always wanted twins. I want to be a mom. I just don't want my world crashing down on me. And I'm so afraid if I embrace that my world will come crashing down and I won't recover. 

I'm drawing attention for my lack of excitement. I don't know how to get out of this hole. 


Sunday, August 23, 2015

Journey to mommy hood

It took my a while to get on board with trying to start a family. B being 5 years older then me was more then ready and most of his good friends were already going on baby #2. We finally started but  after 6 failed IUI attempts later (4 at the regime OB and 2 at CRM along with Clomid) we still weren't pregnant. 

It was time to take the scary step into IVF.  We went to an info seminar and met with the dr. I had a few tests which weren't horrible but gave us the green light that nothing appeared to be wrong (no cysts, etc). With the holidays fast approaching the clinic told me I would start round one mid January. 

10 days of Lupron + 12 more days of other stim shots was a lot on my mind and body. My eggs just didn't want to mature quickly so it prolonged the shots. Finally, February 13 was my retrieval day. They were able to retrieve 10, and of those 9 were mature and could be fertilized. Here is a timeline to following:
February 15 update: 5 of the 9 went on to fertilize and divide. 
February 17 update: transfer was scheduled for the 18th at 4pm
February 18: they weren't pleased with the results as wanted to give the eggs one more day so transfer moved to 19th. 
February 19: went in to clinic with a full bladder and a Valium and found out only 2 were left. So opted to transfer both as this is what B and I had previously decided and the dr encouraged this. 
Everything went well and my 1st blood test was scheduled for 10 days later. 
February 27 results: HCG came back at 5- an extremely low positive result. It was told to me that implementation had likely started but maybe didn't continue. But, I  was instructed to keep up with my meds (estrogen patches and progesterone suppository) and return in 2 days. 
March 2 results: HCG came back at 45- they want it to double every 48-72 hrs so while still low, it meant there was still hope. I was instructed to come back in another 2 days for a replete test.
March 4 results: HCG rose to 137. Still hopeful so dr said come back in a week to test again (at this point it was a lot of mixed emotion). I was also told to schedule an ultrasound the week of March 13. 
March 11 results: HCG rose to 3049- a huge shock to me and the dr. She was very pleased and seemed hopeful. 
March 18 ultrasound and blood work: gestational sac found but no embryo inside. I honestly didn't understand what this meant. The dr said it was possible it was too early and to come back in one more week just to check again. HCG levels rose to 12,761 which was horrifying to hear- why did it keep going up when there was no baby?  B called the dr for an explanation who said the hormone is produced by the sac so my body was still forming a home when it didn't have any inhabitants. 
March 25: repeat ultrasound: still no baby   At this point I should stop all meds and I could hopefully pass the sac and stuff. This was the longest road just to hear No! I was an emotional wreck. Being new to this I thought it seemed like a better plan to pass it naturally then to do a D & C. I don't have the exact date but perhaps the following weekend I woke up early 6 or 7 and didn't feel well. Neither Advil or Tylenol were helping my cramps and chills. I'll spare the details but the morning and early afternoon was incredibly painful and emotional. So much so I told B I wouldn't go through that again. 

Before we could get the green light to go for round 2 I had to wait to get a real period along with my HCG levels down to 0. Another really long road where they just didn't want to drop. Honestly to the point I was afraid I didn't pass it all and would still need a D&C after all that. Finally, at the end of May my numbers were low enough to start all over. The Dr wanted to try a different set of meds which meant no Lupron and less shots! The shots started at the end of June while in Chicago which was interesting but I made do. Once I had a few eggs starting to mature I had to introduce a new shot to slow them down in hopes additional ones would catch up. Oh boy those hurt! But in the end my retrieval was scheduled for July 9 where they were able to retrieve 15. 
July 11 update: of the 15 12 were mature and were fertilized. Of those 12 8 went on to fertilize and divide. 
July 13 update: transfer scheduled for following day. 7 of the 8 were looking good. 
July 14: once again went in with a full bladder (B was on jury duty so my mom took me- no ideal but was fine). They strongest 2 were chosen to transfer in. This time my bladder was so full it was uncomfortable so I was allowed to empty it a little. Everything went smoothly and I went home to relax and my mom "visualized". 
July 15: 2 of the left over eggs were still looking good and we chose to freeze them. 
July 23: 1st blood draw/ HCG test following transfer. HCG was 188 meaning it was for sure positive!
July 27: HCG rose to 1071! So next step was to schedule an ultrasound in 2 weeks. 
August 13: ultrasound revealed 2 gestational sacs each with an embryo! We could see the flutter of the heart beating. It was so surreal. TWINS!
Everything I've wanted for so long. That night we had dinner at my parents where I showed them the picture and they were sobbing with joy!
August 19: repeat ultrasound since it was twins- everything still looked good - 2 babies, 2 heartbeats. So I was officially released to my regular OB. 1st appt scheduled for August 26th. 

The last update to report as of now: for the last week I had been experiencing nausea but for the most part had it under control with ginger ale and Unisom. However on Friday night I threw up a couple times and couldn't eat. Finally at the end of the night had a small scoop of ice cream. Saturday was much of the same- so much throwing up. Ate some bread and Gatorade and that came up. Saltines and ginger ale- same. I was so dehydrated and uncomfortable. I finally ate a popsicle which stayed down and sipped some water. Was feeling much better. A call to the dr on call  got me a prescription for an anti nausea drug but me being stubborn I didn't take it since the Popsicles were staying down. Really hoping today is a better day!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

I've never considered myself especially religious. I have also had a belief in a higher being but that is sort of where it ended.

Over the past 3 months I've found myself praying to whoever is listened for help, strength, healing- both mentally and physically and most importantly the well being of my family.

I feel totally and utterly helpless. My mother in law is dying and there isn't anything anyone can do to help her.

The last 3 months have been such a roller coaster of emotion. We've all tried to remain hopefully that each treatment would be the one that would cure her. We've stayed optimistic when each one failed. When United ran out of options, we were sure that Mayo would be the answer. Now we've reached the potential end. The real end. The place where there are no more treatments. There are no more options. Her kidneys are failing and subsequently the fluid is building up in her body. When I saw her this past Friday, her belly was so big and yet she was so frail. I massaged her back an arms and it was just skin and bone.

Today she complained about not being able to breath so they were going to drain the fluid in her lungs. When they got in, there wasn't any fluid there. There fear is the cancer has spread to her lungs.

This broke Benjie and seeing him like that broke me. It's hard enough when someone who has lived a long life has passed. But how the hell do you console someone who is losing their mother at 32 years old?

I'm mad. How can there be a God who allows this much suffering? Why is this happening? I've prayed more then I ever have an no one listened. I'm really fucking mad. There is nothing I can do to maker her better. There is nothing I can do to ease the sadness of my father in law. There is nothing I can do or say to help 3 boys watch their mother die.

I'm so afraid of what this will do to my husband of only 3 months. Will I lose the man I met?

I'm afraid to be selfish and want to go on my honeymoon. I'm afraid to want some me time when I know I need to be strong

I just want things to be ok. I want her to be ok. I want my family back.

This sucks.

Monday, June 09, 2008

A Dream Within a Dream

A Dream Within a Dream
by Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow:

You are not wrong who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.



I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand--

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep--while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Thursday, January 31, 2008

"I took the Polaroid down in my room
I'm pretty sure you have a new girlfriend
It's not as if I don't like you
It just makes me sad whenever I see it"

- Kimya Dawson - Tire Swing

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Reflection

So there we were, milling around the kitchen, recounting the events of the evening. I was telling everyone how I disagreed with the results of a particular vote for many reasons, but mainly because she was so open of her dislike for the house. With that, the words of my peers hit me harder then I expected- I had been the same way. I was calling the kettle black. Apparently my memory of this time has been tampered and I no longer remember these feelings during this time. But they were probably right. That's probably why Jaclyn said the things she did. Nevertheless I felt like it was different with me. If I was given something, I could help change the things I didn't like. I didn't know then that things would never change and you just did what you could to get by and keep the status quo in check. How truly naive and blind.

That harsh tone of scolding, and the bitter truth behind the words still make me squirm. No one ever wants to believe the bad in them. They want to see themselves as good people and doing no wrong. I know that is an inaccurate concept of myself, but I can't pretend it still didn't hurt to hear it being said out loud.

We dislike in others what we dislike in ourselves, and I think that's why I frowned upon her getting chosen. If I would have stepped back from my bubble, I probably would have laughed at myself for wanting to be a part of it more. But at the time it seemed like the next step. It makes me feel guilty that two years ago people might have been having the same conversation about me and how someone else who really wanted it have had love instead of dislike in their heart should have won. And they were probably right. I half assed everything and didn't and don't feel remorse for that. I do, however, for disliking someone else for something I dislike in myself.